When I was in first grade I was diagnosed with depression; by seventh grade I had been hospitalized for suicidal actions. Looking back I try and understand why at such a young age I had such difficulties. I have come to the conclusion that I saw the world not as I was told to. I questioned everything, not in the incessant "why" some children have at a young age. I wanted to know the reasoning and motivations behind why people did things that made no sense to me.
What I found was a lack of anything that rang true. The world looked like a series of pointless tasked all to gain things. It also became obvious to me that these things didn't really make anyone happy. I felt stuck, trapped in a world that led nowhere, so I gave up. I tried to bury my sadness; however it came back as anger, or food addiction. I tried running away from it by seeking extremes highs to make myself feel happy. None of it lasted. I was still left with the question, what is happiness and why does it never last? Years went by; I learned to live a sort of numbed life.
By the time I reached middle school I was being medicated for depression, as well as having weekly sessions with a talk therapist. The therapist eventually gave a diagnosis of having a depressive personality.This meant my baseline emotions were more depressed than those of an average person. I was told the only way that this can be changed is by changing my thinking. Through a process of constant observation of my thoughts, I blocked the negative thoughts and attempted to replace them by focusing on positive ones.
This constant observation of thoughts is similar to that of Buddhist and Hindu meditation practices. In the eastern practice observation of thoughts in a detached manner is the normal practice. They both lead to the same conclusion, that the consciousness is not the brain. Any person at their base; that is bellow their conscious and unconscious mind, is pure love and happiness. This however becomes obstructed by the misconceptions that are passed onto us in life. Such as the misconception that consumerism can make you happy, perhaps temporarily; but people do not want only five minutes of happiness. The reason we reach out for more "stuff" is that we have been disconnected from our true happiness. To regain this we simply have to look deep within.
My life didn't change overnight. I went away to college, and still struggled. It was January of 2008, four years later I went off of my medication. It was like starting all over, I didn't have the training wheels of medication to stabilize me. I began smoking and started drinking heavily. I tried cleaning up my act a bit, as well as changed jobs, and fell right back into the same pattern. Then everything fell apart; I lost my job, and my girlfriend at the time gave me the boot but held onto a couple thousand dollars I had saved.
I gave up, moved back in with my parents, something I swore I would never do. Then began searching for a job. I was also searching for something else, to pick up where I had left off spiritually. I still had wild emotional swings. It was then after a couple of months I got roped into going to yoga with my mom one Sunday. As I talk about in my post That first step. It took some time but I definitely grew to love it.
It has been three years, I still become depressed in the winter,though I have changed many old ways of thinking. I find myself not becoming angry as often, even while driving. In a difficult circumstance I accept the situation for what it is and move on. I have learned to just go with the flow of life.
Over time I have come to learn that by focusing on the present without being carried away by my thoughts is the true way to any lasting happiness. As I have peel back the false truths from mind, I have found what I have looked for my whole life. There was never a need to reach out or fix myself; I had just forgotten I was whole and all that I need, so long ago.
What an amazing post! Thank you for sharing your experience; it helps us understand your attraction and exploration of Eastern philosophies, especially meditation and chant.
ReplyDeleteWhat I find so fascinating about this post is that the impression I have of you is that you are calm, thoughtful, and spirited, not depressed at all! I wonder if it's just time, therapy (which helps me, too, by the way, with combating stress and anxiety), mediation, etc. Sometimes what we see in ourselves the world might see something entirely different. I guess there are many sides to our worlds. I wonder: what angered you about the world--was it drilled down to the family level, meaning, was it behaviors in your family or extended family, neighborhood, or friends, that made you feel this way, or, like me, do you just think you are responding to our society at large?
You know, I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder (cold, dark winters make me insane and I crave sunlight). Have you ever tried light therapy?